Translator: Jessi
Proofreader: Mika
Chapter 8
The cigarette burning into his hand, jolted Cheng Yu out of his memories. He looked at the cigarette in his hand, pressed it out out then walked back to his room.
He opened the door and, worried about the smell of tobacco on his pajamas, took his clothes off before getting into bed.
Sensing that he had come back, Lin An Lan slipped into his arms and asked in a daze, “What’s wrong?”
“Something came up at home, it’s not a big deal.” Cheng Yu said.
Lin An Lan didn’t ask any more questions after hearing him say this, and went to sleep peacefully.
Cheng Yu waited until his hand was warmed up under the blanket before he hugged Lin An Lan again, holding him tightly.
No matter what happened in the future, at least now, Lin An Lan was his.
The next morning, Cheng Yu woke up earlier than Lin An Lan.
He lay with him for a while, and after Lin An Lan woke up, spoke to him about the script.
“I think it’s not bad, and it’s also Director Zhang’s movie, so I’d like to act with you.”
Lin An Lan, however, wasn’t so willing.
“No,” he refused, “I don’t want to do it.”
“Why?” Cheng Yu asked.
Lin An Lan looked at him and thought he was really insensitive, “We’re a couple, and in this drama Jing Huan has a crush on Gu Shu Yu, what if people see that we’re a couple?”
“How could that be?” Cheng Yu tried to persuade him, “The more this happens, the less they will think in that direction, even if we pretend to be close, people will only think we are pretending in order to attract fans.”
Lin An Lan shook his head, “I don’t like it anyway.”
Cheng Yu was a bit lost, “But, I want to act with you.”
“Then let’s wait for another suitable script later.” Lin An Lan smiled.
But Cheng Yu couldn’t smile, because to him, this was the most suitable script. Jing Huan liked Gu Shu Yu, he liked Lin An Lan, Gu Shu Yu didn’t like Jing Huan, and Lin An Lan didn’t love him either.
This was the perfect script, there was nothing better than this.
Besides, the word ‘future’ was too much of a luxury for him.
Who knew when Lin An Lan would regain his memory? It might be tomorrow, or it might be next month, how dare he take out a loan on his future happiness?
“I really like this script.” Cheng Yu said seriously, “An An, I really want to play Jing Huan, I want you to play Gu Shu Yu. Can you, because of me, just agree this once, just this once, in the future, I will never give you a hard time on such things.”
Lin An Lan frowned.
Cheng Yu looked at him expectantly.
Lin An Lan had no choice but to give in as he said, “I’ll think about it.”
Cheng Yu became instantly happy, kissing him over and over again, “My wife is so nice, I knew my wife was the best.”
Lin An Lan didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at his words. He actually really didn’t want to play this kind of role, because as the saying went, a thief’s heart was weak, what thief would dare to hang around in front of the owner? Not to mention that he had a variety show with Cheng Yu, and now another drama, wasn’t this a clear attempt to come out of the closet?
He sighed in his heart, thinking, ‘Why didn’t Cheng Yu understand?’
They got out of bed, went to the bathroom, took a shower, then while Cheng Yu cooked, Lin An Lan sat on the sofa thinking about how to reject him without making him feel bad.
He thought for a long time, but couldn’t come up with a way, so he asked tentatively over dinner, “Do you have to have us all in the movie?”
He said deliberately, “If you really like it, I don’t object to you acting in it, I just don’t want to play the role myself.”
Cheng Yu’s hand that was putting food in his bowl paused, but he just asked him calmly, “Do you mind if I like other guys?”
“It’s just acting, it’s all work, I understand.”
Cheng Yu looked at him with a sadness in his heart.
He asked, “Do you really not want to play Gu Shuyu that much?”
Lin An Lan nodded, “If I liked girls, then I wouldn’t feel anything if I played this kind of role, but because I like you, I would always feel weak.”
“But Gu Shuyu doesn’t like Jing Huan, it’s only Jing Huan who likes him.”
“It’s the same.” Lin An Lan said, “It’s not like I don’t like you. As long as I like you, it’s the same.”
Cheng Yu was silent.
When Lin An Lan saw that he was silent, he looked down and noticing his expression, asked in a small voice, “Are you angry?”
“No.” Cheng Yu smiled a little.
His smile was very light. He was obviously smiling, but there was an inexplicable sadness in his eyes as he said, “If you don’t like it, forget it, I just said it casually, you don’t have to care, it’s okay if you don’t want to act.”
After he finished, he once again gave Lin An Lan his favorite dish and then, lowered his head to eat.
Lin An Lan suddenly felt guilty.
Not only did he feel guilty, he also felt a bit distressed.
He tried to persuade him, “Don’t we have a variety show? We will record it together.”
Cheng Yu nodded, “Mn.”
“When we get the right script later, we can act together. Aren’t we both young, it’s not like we will be retiring in the next two years.”
“Mn.”
Lin An Lan placed a vegetable on his plate, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Cheng Yu smiled at him, “It’s not a big deal. If you don’t like it, don’t act, it’s fine.”
He said this, but Lin An Lan felt that he seemed very sad.
He smiled reluctantly and nodded, thinking that he would make it up to Cheng Yu when the right opportunity arose.
After all, between them, there was no shortage of movies.
After eating, Cheng Yu washed the dishes then sent a reply to Sun Meng: “I’m not going to the audition.”
When Sun Meng say his reply, he guessed that Lin An Lan must be unwilling.
He just couldn’t understand why Cheng Yu cared about Lin An Lan so much!
Sun Meng thought about it and sent him a message: [You should reconsider, I heard that Xie Hui will be auditioning, isn’t he called little Lin An Lan by everyone? I think he looks quite similar to Lin An Lan. You should think about it.]
Cheng Yu laughed at his words, how dare he say ‘Little Lin An Lan’ when Xie Hui looked like that? He wasn’t even a lowly version of Lin An Lan!
He just sometimes imitated Lin An Lan with his make-up, to look more like him.
But…
Cheng Yu leaned against the sink, thinking about Jing Huan’s persona, his love for Gu Shu Yu, and how he finally looked at Gu Shu Yu and bowed to him in the twilight.
Of course he wasn’t Jing Huan, but they had certain similarities.
Cheng Yu knew very well that he wanted to play this role, not because of his artistic value, not because he was ordinary or extraordinary, but because he saw a reflection of himself in Jing Huan.
The kind of love where one person was stubbornly in love with the other person, the kind of love where one person longed for the other person to look back at him for a moment.
He had it, and so did Jing Huan.
That was why he wanted Lin An Lan to play Gu Shuyu and him to play Jing Huan, so that even if Lin An Lan regained his memory and they were separated, he could still watch the drama and remember the love he once had.
But now, Lin An Lan had refused.
Cheng Yu suddenly felt that this was perhaps the right thing to do, that this was perhaps more in line with his own love.
Lin An Lan didn’t like him, he couldn’t have him in the real world, so how could he ask him to act in the drama.
Who was he to watch him and Lin An Lan in the drama, while remembering the love he once had?
Perhaps a man like him should be watching a film in which he suppressed his love, loved bitterly, but the person he loved didn’t even bother to show up, and from beginning to end, it’s all his one man show.
This, then, was more in line with his past with Lin An Lan.
Thinking this way, he made a decision instantly, and said to Sun Meng: [Send me the time and place of the audition, I’ll go.]
Sun Meng was surprised: [Great! It’s great that you’ve figured it out!]
Cheng Yu laughed to himself, but didn’t reply.
That night, he said to Lin An Lan, “I still decided to act in this drama, but you don’t have to worry, I just like it and can’t give it up, if you don’t like it, forget it.”
Lin An Lan didn’t expect him to be so obsessed with this drama. He asked him, “Who are you playing? Is it still Jing Huan?”
Cheng Yu nodded.
Lin An Lan suggested, “Actually, I think Gu Shuyu’s role is better and has more parts, I think you’d be better as Gu Shuyu.”
Cheng Yu shook his head, “No.”
“Why?” Lin An Lan was puzzled, “Is Gu Shuyu not good enough? You don’t like Gu Shuyu?”
“He’s very nice, but he’s not suitable for me.”
“Why not? Gu Shuyu is handsome and from a good family, isn’t that suitable for you?”
Cheng Yu was silent for a moment before he said softly, “I’m not suitable for this kind of role of being loved.”
After saying this, he turned around and walked towards the bathroom, “I’m going to take a shower.”
Lin An Lan watched him enter the bathroom, thinking about what he had just said, and unconsciously felt a little bit of heartache for him.
What did he mean by not being suitable for this kind of role of being loved? Did he not feel loved?
Or did he not feel that he was worthy of being loved?
Lin An Lan thought quietly, then suddenly lifting the blanket, he jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom door, and opened it.
Cheng Yu was in the shower when he heard the movement. Turning the shower off, he asked in confusion, “An An? Is something wrong?”
Lin An Lan pulled open the glass door of the bathroom, and under the bright light, Cheng Yu’s figure was in full view.
Lin An Lan didn’t know where to place his eyes for a moment, so he simply lowered his head.
Cheng Yu pulled a towel, wrapped it around his waist and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Why did you say that just now?” Lin An Lan looked up at him, “What did you mean by, ‘I’m not suitable for this kind of role of being loved’?”
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my heart aches for the ML. He can’t even be completely happy without knowing what’s gonna happen. Thank you translator-nim<33
Welcome 💖💖
Cheng YuuðŸ˜ðŸ˜ baby im so distressed im gonna cry but not gonna lie i really like this type of novel where the ML is sooo distressing and the MC feel bad and guilty about it. Only for MC uke/shou though.
Ah, seriously… even tho some scenes are really sweet and fluff, I can’t help but feel sad and pained, especially this chapter. Some may not understand, but maybe, the reason why he loved him that much and he can’t still let go after having a one-sided love for years because Lin An Lan is his only home and peace. I just don’t know… All I know is I’m crying because of those feelings and thoughts. I hope Cheng Yu will be happy. ðŸ˜ðŸ˜