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When Lin An Lan woke up the next morning, Jiang Xu had already left and the rain hadn’t stopped yet. It was drizzling and the house was a little chilly, which made it perfect for hot pot.
He remembered that when he was with Cheng Yu, he used to have hot pot every time it rained, and the hot pot was so hot that by the end of the meal, the whole person would be warmed up.
It was a pity that he was the only one who could eat it now.
Getting out of bed, Lin An Lan washed the dishes, took out a pot and cooked himself a mala soup base.
He put the vegetables inside slowly, and as he did so, he suddenly remembered the first time they’d had hot pot, when Cheng Yu had given him the asparagus and he’d asked him in surprise, “Didn’t I tell you before that I don’t eat asparagus in hot pot?”
The asparagus sandwiched between Cheng Yu’s chopsticks instantly fell on the table, but he quickly hid his surprise and said in a relaxed tone that they hadn’t eaten hot pot together before and that this was the first time.
He’d looked so relaxed, but he must have been apprehensive, right?
“Really a master liar.” Lin An Lan whispered.
During the time when he’d lost his memory, he thought Cheng Yu was a white flower, but now he looked more like a two-tone flower with black on white.
But he was still cute.
As he ate his hot pot and looked out the window at the rain, he debated whether he should go see Cheng Yu again today.
He actually shouldn’t go and see him, because if he did, he wouldn’t be able to help feeling distressed for him, and many things that he thought were important would seem less important.
But if he didn’t go see him, with the way Cheng Yu was, he would definitely be upset again.
Lin An Lan felt that all his entanglements and hesitations in his life seemed to have been used on Cheng Yu, and all his embarrassment and speechlessness seemed to have been brought out by Cheng Yu.
If he just wanted to enjoy a short-lived pleasure and enjoy the present, then he should have gone to see Cheng Yu and stayed with him.
But if he wanted to take their relationship seriously, then it was inevitable that he would think a lot more about it.
He was standing at the beginning of love, but looking out at the end of it. All the things he had to go through– the gap between he and Cheng Yu, his character, Cheng Yu’s character, their relationship, and the Cheng family, Cheng Feng, Jiang Xu, he went through it all in his mind.
The thing he detested the most in his life was trouble, but he knew very well that once he was with Cheng Yu, his trouble would never go away.
Jiang Xu had indeed said something right. The Cheng family would not allow themselves to be in a situation where there would be no successors left behind. Cheng Yu, as Cheng Feng’s only recognized son, would inevitably be asked to have a child.
But if they were together, how would Cheng Yu have a biological child?
Cheng Feng wouldn’t do anything to his own son, he’d just harass him and take it out on him.
And Jiang Xu wouldn’t want him to be with Cheng Yu, so it was going to be one nuisance after another.
But that wasn’t the point, the external troubles, though he found them tiresome he could solve. Ultimately, the problem lay with him.
The person Cheng Yu fell in love with, year after year, day after day, was the perfection that he remembered.
The one who experienced love with Cheng Yu and stayed by his side was the best version of himself without any setbacks or hardships.
But he wasn’t as perfect as Cheng Yu thought he was, and he wasn’t his ideal best self.
He was just the most ordinary man.
He was afraid that Cheng Yu would be disappointed when he got closer, that he would like the Lin An Lan he remembered better, and that most of all he would like the Lin An Lan who had lost his memory and was upbeat and funny better.
He was also afraid that they would inevitably break up in the end.
It was normal to fall in love, stay together, get bored, fall in love, break up, then fall in love again.
But Lin An Lan wasn’t sure he could accept this as normal.
He had already been through the abandonment of his biological mother and the hurt of his best friend, the stabbing of two of the four people he had trusted in the world.
The wound he had received from the stab his biological mother gave him had barely healed and before the scar could disappear, he had been stabbed again by Jiang Xu.
Lin An Lan couldn’t understand why this had happened.
Of course he knew he wasn’t at fault, but where had he gone wrong? As a child, he had listened to his mother and as an adult he had done his best for Jiang Xu.
But they had still hurt him. He thought about it but couldn’t understand and even though he knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, he couldn’t help asking himself if he hadn’t done enough?
Was he not good enough as a person?
That was why they both chose to abandon him. Whether they were blood relatives or not, whether they were friends from childhood or not, they didn’t care.
Was he not good enough?
In his short life, he had really given his feelings to very few people. He held his feelings carefully, afraid that he would be hurt from them again, and yet, he had been.
He didn’t want to get hurt again, and he didn’t want to have a relationship end early again.
Each time, it was he who stood still and sent his feelings away.
He had sent away his family, sent away his friendship and as he watched his love approach, he was afraid that he would have to see that one off as well.
If Cheng Yu preferred the Lin An Lan with amnesia, if Cheng Yu, after a period of contact, realized that he wasn’t what he remembered, if Cheng Yu broke up with him one day.
Then what was he to do?
Of course he would agree, but he would probably lose the ability to accept love completely.
But who was he to blackmail him emotionally and demand that once he loved him, he had to love him forever?
It was the right of every couple to want to break up, however the pain of breaking up was that one person could leave a relationship as soon as they didn’t love the other anymore.
It took two people to love each other, but it only took one person to have the idea of breaking up.
Lin An Lan trusted Cheng Yu, but he didn’t trust himself.
He believed that Cheng Yu really loved him, that he really wanted to be with him and that Cheng Yu must have been truly in love with him for eight years.
But he didn’t believe in himself, he didn’t believe that the real him could keep Cheng Yu in love with him.
Jiang Xu had been with him for more than ten years, thousands of days and months, half a lifetime; they’d been through so much together, seen each other at their worst, walked with each other through their lowest points, and yet, he had still given up on him.
It was true that they had grown up together over a decade ago and it was also true that prior to Jiang Xu’s entrance exams, he had stayed up for nights and nights studying to get into the same university as him. It was also true that Jiang Xu had put off his job to be by his side the year his father passed away.
He used to think that time was reliable, and that only a relationship built up over time was trustworthy.
But then he realized that time was the most unreliable of all. It had the power to transform not only no love into love, but also turn love into unlove. It could not only make one being with someone possible, it could also separate them.
He didn’t want to be hurt by someone he trusted anymore. His wounds weren’t yet healed, his mindset not yet adjusted, so he shouldn’t accept Cheng Yu’s love at this time. It would be unfair to Cheng Yu and irresponsible to he himself.
Sighing unconsciously, Lin An Lan ate his hot pot in silence.
He ate, slept, then continued to hesitate about whether to go to Cheng Yu’s house.
Then he was awakened by a knock on the door which wasn’t very distinct at first but then became louder and louder. Sitting up uncertainly, Lin An Lan rubbed his eyes and got out of bed.
He thought it was Jiang Xu, because at this time of day, it could only be Jiang Xu who would come uninvited.
He really didn’t want to open the door, but the person just kept knocking.
It was raining and as it always got dark early during this period, it already looked as if night had fallen when it was only about 6 o’clock.
Lin An Lan thought to himself, he should probably go and see Cheng Yu and tell him that it wasn’t that he doesn’t love him, but that he didn’t want to start a new relationship right now.
He wanted to get his mindset right first and stop doubting himself, so that this way, he wouldn’t pile up too much emotions on Cheng Yu and wouldn’t put pressure on him to fall in love without the right to do so properly.
He was thinking about this when the knock sounded again.
The person knocking on the door seemed insistent. Going over to the door helplessly, he prepared to try to persuade Jiang Xu to leave.
However, when Lin An Lan opened the door, he was surprised to see that it wasn’t Jiang Xu standing outside but Cheng Yu.
Cheng Yu who had obviously been caught in the rain with his clothes wet and face pale.
Lin An Lan couldn’t help but be stunned.
Cheng Yu looked at him, his eyebrows moist, his hair soaking wet and dark from the rain, which made his face even more white, making him look a little sickly and weak.
“My boyfriend is missing,” he said softly, looking at Lin An Lan, “and I’ve come to look for him. Excuse me, are you my boyfriend?”
Lin An Lan froze for a moment, then suddenly remembered the rainy night when he had appeared at Cheng Yu’s doorstep and met him.
He had also been drenched from the rain, standing outside the door as he asked him, “Excuse me, are you my boyfriend?”
Lin An Lan was speechless for a moment, then reached out to pull Cheng Yu, “Come in.”
But Cheng Yu didn’t move, “I can’t just go into someone’s house, so are you my boyfriend? If you’re not and I go in, my boyfriend will be angry.”
Lin An Lan: ……
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