“You lied to me?” Lin An Lan whispered, “You lied to me, didn’t you?”
“I’m sorry.” Cheng Yu could hardly speak, “An An, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to lie to you, but I ……”
“But I ……”
His mouth opened and closed, closed and opened again, and he had never felt such bitterness in his throat as when he said, “But I, I love you.”
Lin An Lan shook his head. Of course he knew that Cheng Yu liked him, but that was no excuse.
One’s own wishful thinking and affection, was never an excuse.
“Did I love you? Before I lost my memory, did I love you? Did I like you?” Lin An Lan asked.
Cheng Yu opened his mouth and the air rushed into his throat, cutting his throat raw as he said, “You didn’t love me.”
Lin An Lan’s tears poured down instantly.
Cheng Yu panicked, “An An, I’m sorry. It’s my fault, don’t cry, okay?”
He apologized to Lin An Lan anxiously and reached out to wipe the tears from his eyes, but Lin An Lan stood up, avoiding his touch.
He wiped the tears from his eyes, lifted his head and gave Cheng Yu a big smile, “I understand, thank you for not lying to me this time. We are both at fault for what happened before, I am at fault for coming to you and knocking on your door, and you are at fault for lying to me and telling me lies. It’s your fault and my fault, and it’s the case that we both didn’t do a good job, so now that it’s all said and done, it’s time for me to go back.”
Done saying this, he smiled at Cheng Yu again and turned to walk out.
Cheng Yu followed him and saw him go back to their bedroom and start to pack his bags.
Rushing up to him, Cheng Yu asked him shakily, “You’re leaving? You’re going back?”
“It’s time for me to go back.”
“Why?” Cheng Yu looked at him supplicatingly, “Can’t you continue to stay with me? Is there something I’ve done wrong? Tell me and I will change it.”
Lin An Lan shook his head, “You’ve done a good job, but, I shouldn’t be here.”
“Why shouldn’t you be here? You’ve been living here for a little over six months, you’re obviously here now.”
Lin An Lan didn’t say anything. Picking his clothes, he shoved them into a suitcase.
Cheng Yu held his hand, “An An, can you please not be like this? I beg you, you can hit me, you can scold me, but can you not leave me? You said you’d always be there for me, have you forgotten that? You promised me yourself in this house.”
Lin An Lan had definitely not forgotten, but what good was a promise built on a false lie?
How could promises be true when the roots were crooked?
“An An, I like you, I really like you, you know that don’t you?”
“I beg you, I will agree to everything except this, okay? Can you not leave?”
Lin An Lan raised his eyes to look at him, and looking at the sadness in Cheng Yu’s eyes, his heart mourned, “Cheng Yu, it was all a lie. The beginning of everything was a lie, the words that were said, which of them was true?”
“It can all be true if you want them to be.”
“But I don’t want that.” Lin An Lan said, “How can you expect me to, how can you expect me to willingly accept that the man I thought was my lover is actually not my lover at all! You’re not my boyfriend, yet I thought you were, I thought you always were!”
Lin An Lan looked at him with red eyes, “Didn’t you ever think about what would happen to me when I discovered the truth? Weren’t you afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it!”
During the time when he had lost his memory, except for himself, he had only trusted Cheng Yu.
He had trusted Cheng Yu so much that he thought he was the only one in the world who couldn’t lie to him, but from the beginning to the end, Cheng Yu was the only one who had lied to him.
Lin An Lan couldn’t accept it. It was too much of a shock for him. He had been with Cheng Yu for a little over half a year, he had already considered Cheng Yu as his boyfriend and even had Cheng Yu in his future plans.
Yet, it was all a sham.
He thought he had fallen in love with Cheng Yu again after losing his memory, yet they weren’t even lovers to begin with.
He had simply used his memory loss as an opportunity to turn him into his lover.
He hadn’t loved Cheng Yu, he had never loved him before he lost his memory.
Lin An Lan’s heart seemed to twist together. He had experienced love for the first time, learned to love people for the first time, had rejoiced and was overjoyed, yet, in the end, it was all a sham.
His boyfriend, was simply a liar.
He stuffed his things into the suitcase, his mind a mess, as was his emotions. Packing up a few random things, he tried to close the suitcase and leave.
But Cheng Yu held the suitcase down, looking at him sadly, “Don’t go, okay? Don’t go, An An, don’t go.”
Lin An Lan lifted the suitcase but Cheng Yu took his hand, “Let’s talk. There must be some way to solve all this, there must be, right?”
“How can we fix it?” Lin An Lan asked him, “What can be done?”
Cheng Yu couldn’t speak. There was no solution, no way out.
He had lied to Lin An Lan, he had allowed a romance to arise that had never existed in the first place, and so the best solution was to make it disappear again, but Cheng Yu couldn’t do it and he couldn’t say it out loud.
“What do you want? I promise you everything, okay? Tell me, how can you not get angry and not leave. I’ll promise you anything, really. Don’t go, An An, I’m begging you, please don’t go.”
There were tears in Lin An Lan’s eyes that slowly blurred his vision and as he looked at the man in front of him, it seemed to him that Cheng Yu was also on the verge of tears.
He didn’t even know, for a moment, which one of them was more pathetic.
“I want to calm down and cool off.” He told Cheng Yu, “I want to be on my own for a while, I want to think.”
Cheng Yu shook his head, “You can cool off here too, right? I can go, okay? I’ll go somewhere else, can you stay and I’ll leave?”
“I want to go back to my home.”
Cheng Yu couldn’t accept that, “This can be your home too. Stay here, don’t worry, I won’t bother you, I won’t come back until you want to see me.”
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