Lin An Lan wanted to talk about a lot but very little at the same time. He was quiet for a long time before he opened his mouth, “Cheng Yu, you are very good, as I said before, but in my present state, I am not fit to be with you.”
“Why?” Cheng Yu didn’t understand.
“Do you love the Lin An Lan who lost his memory?” Lin An Lan asked him.
Cheng Yu nodded, “Of course.”
Lin An Lan smiled a little, his smile very light as he said, “I loved you too, but that wasn’t the real me, my real personality, so I wasn’t that good.”
Cheng Yu didn’t think so, “You’re good in your own right, no matter what time it is, you’re always good.”
“That’s an illusion in your memory.” Lin An Lan told him, “You’ve never been close to me, you’ve never come into contact with me deeply. I’ve only lived in your memory, so naturally, I’m good.”
“But I’ve known you for so many years, so many years that I think I know you more or less.”
“You yourself are saying more or less,” Lin An Lan said, “what you know, is less.”
Cheng Yu felt that that interpretation was wrong, but didn’t know how to defend himself.
Lin An Lan lowered his head, his eyebrows gentle as he said, “I’m not in a very good frame of mind right now and if we start dating, it won’t be fair to you and you’ll suffer a lot for no reason, so I think we….”
“I can.” Cheng Yu interrupted, “I’m willing to bear it and I don’t think it’s unfair. If your mindset is not good, I can accompany you to adjust it slowly, and it’s not that we have to separate if your mindset is not good.”
Cheng Yu was really fed up with being apart from him. At the time when they hadn’t been together, he had been willing and was able to be bear his unrequited love and had walked alone painfully but happy for eight years.
But now, having been through that time with Lin An Lan, gaining and losing, he wasn’t willing to accept it and he didn’t want to.
“People can’t always be in a good frame of mind. The worse they are, the more they need company, right? If you don’t love me, then I can change my flaws and try to make you love me, but if you love me, then I can and will take anything. The last thing I want to bear is you leaving. I can take anything else compared to you leaving.”
He spoke with such sincerity that Lin An Lan’s state of mind was instantly disturbed.
“What’s wrong with your state of mind?” Cheng Yu asked him, “Is it because I lied to you?”
Lin An Lan shook his head.
Cheng Yu wondered, “Then what is it? Tell me so I can help you, okay?”
Lin An Lan lifted his head then looked at him quietly for a long time before asking him, “Cheng Yu, what do you like about me?”
He had asked this question many times and each time, Cheng Yu couldn’t answer him specifically. He could only say, “I like you, no matter when it is, I always like you.”
“What do you like about me? There’s always a specific condition for what one likes… for example, character, ideas, looks… which one do you like?”
“I like all of them.” Cheng Yu didn’t hesitate with his answer.
Lin An Lan sighed, thinking to himself that Cheng Yu was really good. He could always express his likes with confidence, never flinching. He was much better than him.
“When did you know that I spent time in an orphanage as a child? When did you know that I was adopted by my father and that I wasn’t his biological child or that of his relatives?” He asked.
Cheng Yu didn’t expect him to ask this question out of the blue. He froze for a moment then replied, “The time you went to the orphanage after you graduated. You went there with Xiao Qiao and that was the first time you were alone with a girl, so I was curious and had someone look into your relationship, and that’s how I found out about your life experience.”
“But I didn’t tell anyone else and I didn’t check much else, and when I found out that you were friends who knew each other from the orphanage, I didn’t go any further.”
Lin An Lan nodded, “That’s right.”
Cheng Yu looked at him, not understanding what he meant.
“Since you know that I was adopted, you should also know that I was dropped off at the door of the orphanage by my mother and that that is why I entered the orphanage.”
Cheng Yu nodded, “Xiao Qiao told me.”
He continued, “She hoped that I would take very good care of you.”
Lin An Lan smiled a little, very softly, then he turned to look at Cheng Yu with frankness in his brows, “If today, I was born into the most ordinary family, without this experience and grew up healthy at home like all ordinary people, then I wouldn’t hesitate to be with you, because you are very good and I’m very happy being with you. “
“But I had such an experience.”
And Jiang Xu had unveiled that scar to him again.
“The me who lost my memory was the me who didn’t have this experience, the me who grew up like a normal person as I wished, that was why I lived a relaxed and optimistic life, daring to accept your love and to love you, but now I’ve recovered my memory and I remember a lot, so I don’t dare to be with you.”
“I’m afraid that I would pile up too much emotions on you, that I won’t make the relationship beautiful enough for you, that it would be hard to take when we break up, that you’d think that the person you’ve loved for eight years isn’t really worth loving for that long at all.”
“I know that a lot of my thoughts aren’t quite right right now, that they’re very negative and a lot are redundant, but I can’t control it, so I think I should adjust my mindset first and when I do, then I can be with you. That way, you won’t be burdened, you won’t be stressed and we can be like normal lovers and have the simplest of relationships. Is that okay?”
Cheng Yu shook his head. Looking at Lin An Lan, he unexpectedly rejected him, “It’s not okay.”
Shocked, Lin An Lan looked at him quizzically. He thought this was the best option. He’d promised to Cheng Yu and also given himself some time to adjust his mind.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have the best of both worlds?
“You don’t need to adjust your mindset.” Cheng Yu told him, “I don’t know what you’re afraid of, but An An, if you want to protect yourself because your mother didn’t want you back then and you feel abandoned, then we can completely get married when you feel the time is right and start a new family, okay?”
“In one’s life, there will be two homes. One is the home you were born into and as a child, one doesn’t get to choose ones parents. You can only live with the love or pain they give you. But the other one is the home you will make with your lover, you can choose your lover and then, build the home you want.”
Taking Lin An Lan’s hand in his, he said to him seriously and patiently, “You can pick me and we can be together for the rest of our lives. I don’t want to break up with you and I won’t break up with you. Why do you worry that you are unfair to me by piling too much of your emotions on me? I’ve loved you for a long time, all my love has been given to you, so I wouldn’t feel pressured or stressed even if you put all your emotions on me. I would only feel that my feelings have been reciprocated and would only be happy about it.”
“My relationship wasn’t perfect until last August because I was the only one in it. You were late and no matter how much I waited for you, you didn’t come. It wasn’t until you came in August that my love became perfect.”
“If you think that the you with amnesia is the best of you which you should grow into, wouldn’t it be better if we worked together to make you that way? When we get married and we have a new home, you’ll be the equivalent of getting back to what you were in the beginning, when you were first born into a home. You take that Lin An Lan as a new beginning, do what you like the way you like, grow in the direction you want and for once, your family is your choice and you can be exactly who you want to be.”
Moving closer to Lin An Lan, he gazed at him gently, “You don’t need to self-regulate your mindset, just do what you want to do and what you feel like doing as you are in your present state of mind. You are entitled to make mistakes, I allow all your mistakes, so you don’t need to self-judge and self-correct carefully. You do what you want, right or wrong, positive or negative, be bold. I love you, I love you no matter what time of day, what character or what state of mind you are in, as long as you are you.”
“We can have a relationship with marriage as a premise, no breakup, just marriage.”
As Lin An Lan listened to him, the emotions in his eyes slowly leaked out, his eyes sore and hot as he looked at Cheng Yu, his eyes fragile like glass that would shatter at the slightest touch.
Cheng Yu leaned in close to him, almost to his lips.
“Is that okay?” He asked, “Will you be my boyfriend? On the premise that one day, you marry me.”
Lin An Lan wanted to say something, but his throat was so sour that he couldn’t open his mouth. He lowered his eyelashes unconsciously, his eyes filled with moisture.
Cheng Yu pressed his forehead against his, coaxing him gently, “No? Didn’t you say I was very good? I’m so good, then isn’t it okay?”
Lin An Lan shook his head.
Cheng Yu laughed, “Then give me a kiss. Kiss me and I’ll know you’re willing.”
Lin An Lan lowered his head, not daring to look at him.
Cheng Yu took him into his arms, thinking that he had probably misread everything a little bit before.
He had always thought Lin An Lan was confident, and he had always acted confident and proud. His grades were excellent, he was popular at school, his career was successful, and he had seemed unconcerned even when he had lost his memory.
He had assumed that he was confident and strong, that he had nothing to fear, that he was living according to the wishes of his heart.
But he had a shadow.
He’d been in the formative years when he had been abandoned, which was why even after he had lost his memory he would wake up, dreaming of that memory in his dreams and hug him, asking him why.
He had always been outstanding, had always been at the top during school. He hardly ever made a mistake and he lived a rational and clear-headed life.
But how could one never make a mistake? How could one always be rational?
It wasn’t that he couldn’t, but that he didn’t dare.
He had spent a year in the orphanage, then finally got a new family. He carefully maintained his good child image then worked hard to always get top grades. He wanted to stay in his new home forever, so he tried to do the best he could with everything.
And over time, it became a habit and by the time he found out that his adoptive parents were good people and wouldn’t abandon him, by then he was also used to living a life without making mistakes, being rational and clear-headed.
How many times had he, as in this case, judged his own mind, his own actions, in his heart and then realized that he wasn’t good enough, not right enough and thus corrected himself silently, without telling anyone, without saying anything and when he and whoever it was met again, he was still the same good, trouble-free Lin An Lan?
His An An, was far more insecure than he had thought.
He tried hard to take care of others and gave them the strongest sense of security, but he was the one who needed it most.
Especially after his adoptive parents left.
His heart aching, Cheng Yu hugged him, telling him, “It’s okay, I’m patient, I can come and ask you every day and one day when you’re willing, you can kiss me and I’ll know.”
Lin An Lan leaned on his shoulder, not saying a word.
He didn’t dare say a word. He was afraid that if he did, tears would come out and even more afraid that if he did, he would just say yes to him.
He had expected that Cheng Yu would say a lot of things, but he hadn’t expected that he would say this.
No one had ever said this to him, no one had ever told him that you can make mistakes, you don’t need to self-judge and self-correct, you just need to do what you want boldly.
The first part of Lin An Lan’s life had been a remarkable one. He had received a scholarship at school and was now a popular actor in the entertainment industry.
Everyone thought he was great, but behind his greatness, he was careful and cautious every step of the way.
He grew up as the child other parents asked their children to be, calm and sensible enough to analyze his own problems and correct them.
Ten-year-old Jiang Xu would cry over Jiang Liying’s refusal to buy him a toy, while ten-year-old Lin An Lan would seriously reflect on whether it was bad that he had watched an extra half hour of cartoons when his parents were away.
The year at the orphanage had allowed him to grow up quickly. While children of his age were still acting like they were the masters of the world, Lin An Lan had already learnt to self-examine and correct himself so that he could stay with the Lin family forever.
By the time he grew up, he was used to being armed with reason.
He had been living like this for half his life, so much so that he had forgotten that he was actually in his twenties, still at his best, the age when mistakes could be made.
And it was Cheng Yu, who was allowing him to make all his mistakes.
Leaning on his shoulder, Lin An Lan felt for the first time that there might be destiny in the world.
The irrationality underneath his rationality that Jiang Xu, who had been with him for more than ten years, hadn’t seen, Cheng Yu had found.
He had only been with him for five months and had spent the previous eight years looking at him from afar, but he had seen it.
That was why he said that they could have a new home, a home that he could choose for himself, that he could choose his own family and be born again into that family, free to grow in the way he most wanted.
It was the most beautiful words Lin An Lan had ever heard, a scene he had never imagined, a scene he longed for and yearned for.
He finally removed all his rational armor at this moment and impulsively and sensually kissed Cheng Yu softly on the side of his face.
If there was one person in this world he was willing to try to trust, it would be Cheng Yu.
He didn’t really believe in love, but he was willing to believe in Cheng Yu’s love.
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